To the lonely parent – you’re not alone

The girl in the corner in her late teens glares over her tea at the family at the large table chatting and laughing together. On the other side of the room, an old man smiles sadly at the same sight. Each of them casts judgement upon the family, wishing themselves into the parents’ shoes.

“That will be me one day.” Thinks the girl. “I’ll meet someone, get married and have children. And this loneliness that hangs over me will be a thing of the past.” She can’t help but feel jealous watching the mum. Sure, she’s got her hands full. The children are covered in cake, one of them needs the toilet and the other has just spilled her drink. But they’re all together, one big happy family.

The old man stares wistfully, remembering those days. He was young and spritely, his late wife was such a beauty and they had amazing times together as a family. Walks on the beach, trips to the park and even exploring the UK and abroad in their van. And now, his grown-up kids call from time to time but the loneliness is crippling.

The family finish their drinks, dab the worst of the cake from the children and the floor and make their way home. Their time together ends abruptly as she goes back to sit in front of a computer on her own, while he makes the most of the last few hours with the children before the daily grind starts again tomorrow.

He’ll drive to work wondering when they’ll all be together again. The next four evenings will pass with him dining alone, before going back to his hotel room to be consumed by loneliness. By the time he gets back, his wife will be days behind with her work and they’ll be back to the same old tag-team routine of passing like ships in the night.

And the same fate befalls mums and dads across the world every day. Single parents with no childcare, consumed by love for their children but desperately missing adult company. Couples working all hours god sends just to make ends meet. Spending so little time together that they feel more lonely than they did when they were single.

Working parents joining in with the banter, talking about the weekend, about the future and the past. And all the while feeling desperately lonely without the little person who makes them complete, the same one without whom they would never have become so isolated.

Nobody expects parenthood to be like this. There are tales of playdates, nights out with mates and even regular dates as a couple. And yet friends have dropped off along the way, some don’t have children but even those that do have their own lives, their own struggles. Contact is irregular, life gets in the way.

And so the reality of parenting hits home. The daily solo dog walks, trudging around the fields watching couples and groups interact. The long evenings with only the television for company. The days at work, surrounded by people and the guilt at enjoying the interaction whilst somebody else looks after your child.

But most of all the realisation that according to society, this is the pinnacle of happiness. These are the days that lonely teens long for and the elderly look back fondly upon. And nobody understands that perception and reality are so far apart.

So to the single parent, the hard working couple, the stay at home dad and the home educating mum. To the father of teens and the mother of a new-born, to the rainbow families, the extended families and the broken families – I understand.

It’s okay to be lonely, it’s fine to feel sad. We keep being told that these are the days, to enjoy their childhood before it’s too late. And we do, every day we do all we can to make the most of now. But that doesn’t make it any easier, loneliness doesn’t discriminate and there is no shame in feeling alone.The perception of society is that being a parent is synonymous with the end of being lonely. I'm here to tell you that there's no shame in feeling alone.

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8 Comments

  1. Marianne Hopwood
    August 12, 2016 / 4:28 pm

    Sounds pretty human. Grass is always greener and whatnot. It’s OK not to feel amazing all the time, but if someone is miserable most of the time then it’s time to come up with a plan to make a change. Lovely thoughtful post

  2. August 12, 2016 / 5:49 pm

    I think there are always days you feel lonely as a parent. My husband is travelling a lot at the moment. So while my week days are not too bad as we have playdates and activities, the evenings and weekends can most definitely be lonely. Lovely post x
    Laura’s Lovely Blog recently posted…FILM REVIEW: Ghostbusters (2016)My Profile

  3. August 13, 2016 / 2:34 am

    That is so true. There is often a constant struggle to get the balance right and when you don’t, you blame yourself and become consumed with guilt. Often times, I do feel alone even when I am surrounded by people and I have to remember, like you say, there is no shame in feeling alone.
    Agent Spitback recently posted…Unknown Virus Turning Mothers into “Football Hooligans”My Profile

  4. August 13, 2016 / 5:49 am

    You painted such a vivid picture, I could have almost been in that cafe. First the lonely teen, now the noisy family and maybe one day an old lady remembering the good times, such as they were, because you’re so right, parenting can still be lonely. It makes you think. Beautiful post.

  5. August 13, 2016 / 7:13 am

    This is such a moving post and so very true – for pretty much everyone! Being a parent is a wonderful thing, but there are times when it’s really hard and times when it gets lonely, whether or not you are actually on your own.
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted…Harry Potter and the Cursed Child by J K RowlingMy Profile

  6. August 13, 2016 / 6:32 pm

    I really got into this post and felt it quite relevant.Even in a houseful of noise I sometimes find myself feeling lonely and thinking back to older days when I had a huge group of friends that seem to have petered out x

  7. August 17, 2016 / 7:37 am

    Really lovely post. As a single mum I feel like that a lot. X

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