Today, yet again, somebody stopped us in the street and asked what my secret was. How can I possibly manage to remain so beautiful with so little effort? Well of course, I have youth on my side, and my gorgeous natural colourings help as well. My shiny brown hair and my big, puppy dog eyes just can’t be copied. But I do have a few beauty tips, so listen up you ugly bunch, here’s how it’s done.
Never underestimate the importance of protection
Even my beautiful complexion could be at risk if I was to expose it to the stresses and strains of every day life. It must remain protected at all times. I recommend rolling in fox poo every single day, several times a day if possible. I have an agreement with a fox who strolls through my garden to leave me some protection each time he walks by. This allows me to reapply every few hours.
Never shy away from spending money on your appearance
Be it an expensive bottle of doggy shampoo or a shiny new collar that makes you feel a million dollars, money spent on looking fabulous is an investment. You can’t put a value on the opportunities that will come your way due to your exquisite beauty.
When I say brush, I mean both your hair and your teeth. This is something that works better if your human will help you. But if – like mine – your human is a bit useless, that’s not an insurmountable obstacle. I recommend brushing your hair by rolling in dry grass. The more grass seeds available the better. If you have long hair, the presence of grass seeds will force your human to properly groom you. If not, the seeds are great for exfoliation.
When it comes to teeth, if you can’t get your paws on a toothbrush, there are alternatives. I find shoes to be very effective for teeth cleaning, or alternatively just chew lightly on some of your own poo – preferably a nice, fresh one that you prepared within the last few minutes.
You are what you eat
Now, this is where we all differ. A tailor-made diet is one of the main ingredients that has made my hair so beautifully shiny. At the moment, I’m using this individual diet from Tails.com. It’s quite pricey but of course money is no object for me. It arrives in the post once a month. When it first arrived, my recommended portion size was a bit too small for me, but I soon told my human that if she didn’t increase it I’d maul her to death whilst she slept, so we’re back to my usual serving size. Oh, and drink plenty of water too, hydration is important. You heard it here first!
Keep it clean
I know this flies in the face of everything I said about fox poo, but cleanliness is importance. I recommend a daily wash with bracing cold water from the hosepipe. This can be achieved by depositing any unpleasant materials of your choice in the area where the humans socialise. When they clean it up, chase the hosepipe relentlessly until you are soaked to the skin and thoroughly cleansed.