I have been reading Agent Spitback‘s blog for quite a while now. What I love about it is that I never know what to expect when I go onto her site for a read. When it comes to inspirational parents, this lady has it all.
She is one of the most amazing writers I know and alongside her fabulous blog and being a mum, she finds the time to be hilarious on social media. Through both her blog and her social media, she makes everyone feel that the bad days as a mum are okay – and reminds us not to overthink things – just eat the cake! Agent Spitback has decided to answer my questions in her usual tongue in cheek style – and I wouldn’t want it any other way! Over to you Agentleaks!A big thank you to Natalie for engaging the services of Agentleaks, an international, for profit and cake, unrealistic wannabe organisation that publishes secret information, news leaks and hard to classify information about Agent Spitback from semi-anonymous sources, namely the Agent’s three children, two bunnies, one large adult partner and her alter ego, herself.
1. Tell me about the most unexpected change to you as a person or to your life since becoming a parent?
According to the agency, the scandal that changed the Agent since becoming a parent is the unexpected ability to hoover left over foods from her children’s plate. She has been heard to say what her mom used to say, “Think of all the starving children in Africa!” much to her horror, as she justifies the consumption of these extra calories.
“I have never thought I could love someone so much that I am willing to do anything. When my first child became unexpectedly ill and subsequently hospitalised, I realised then the true extent of what I would have done for him. Oh yes, the fact that I would also eat his and his siblings’ gross sodden messy leftovers without blinking an eye, that’s pretty unexpected as well.”
2. What has been the biggest challenge you have faced since having children?
According to the leaked documents, the biggest challenge has been the Agent’s ability to remember school events, dress up days and morning assembles. Many times, she has been spotted at the School Car Park, quickly making a U-ie and dashing home to change the children into free dress.
“To be honest, the biggest challenge has always been myself. I always pressure myself to be the best version of myself to my children. The physical tasks, the helping with homework, the baths, the laundry, they are easy to negotiate but it’s the person you want to be for your children, the mother you have in your head for your children that don’t always measure up. I am my own worst critic and I always feel like I have to be on my best behaviour which of course, is difficult because I am the natural mischief maker in any situation.”
3. What do you regard as your greatest achievement?
A collection of documents found in the Agent’s drawers have proved that the Agent’s greatest achievement is the unrelentless obsession in keeping all her children’s artwork, much to the chagrin of her long suffering partner who has had to move his stuff to make way for children’s macaroni necklaces and unidentifiable pictures of goodness knows what.
“I can list awards, publications and national recognition for my writing and academic career but to me, those pale in comparison to a bar of $3 chocolate. One of my clients came into my office unannounced one day, gave me a $3 chocolate bar and a great big hug. She then said “Thank you so much for what you do … for me.” The fact that I made a personal impact on someone’s life in such a meaningful way that I know she will remember me for the rest of her life. That $3 bar of chocolate tasted way better than any Godiva or award banquet dinner.”
4. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. What hasn’t killed you?
Transcribed meeting records of the Agent and her Paediatrician have revealed that her son’s severe reflux for the first 7 years of his life, the constant puking cycle, every two hours and later at every single feeding, saw her shed 10kilos after two months and more tears than she could remember. Every illness he ever had became exaggerated and often ended up in hospital. The Agent is amazed that the amount of puke she has had to clean up has not killed her so far. She does believe the amount of puke has made her stronger in her ability to eat strong smelling cheese and certain smelly fruit.
“There have been some horribly dark moments (along with the sparks) in my life, of which I would not bore you with details and I am sure, my story is not dissimilar to many others who have trodden on the same path. But we continue, like all mothers do, every single day and every single minute of the day because our children are the beacons in our lives, showing us the way.”
5. Who inspires you?
Secret documents reveal that she is a closet admirer of huge celebrity personalities of Ellen and Oprah.
“At my “age” (cough, cough), I have begun to see that the real heroes in my lives are the ones who work everyday, taking care of their kids, going to their jobs, paying their bills, scrapping their dollars to buy a treat for their child, ordinary folks who do extraordinary things. People like you, who stop and smile at me at the check out, the ones who say good morning when I go for my morning walk, and the ones who hold the train door for me when I am still a distance away.”
6. I have just invented a time machine (and you thought you’d achieved something great). You can now go backwards or forwards to any point in time and deliver any message to any person, what’s your message and who is it for?
Classified reports reveal that the Agent would be thrilled to be Doctor Who’s next companion and would definitely abandon her children for five minutes to travel the whole of history with him. She would definitely like to watch a William Shakespeare production at the Globe Theatre and shake his hand. There would be no message but instead a question “Where do you get your incredible story ideas and characters from?”
“I would have to say I would like to meet my younger self and tell her not to stress, overthink and worry…Life will be good again.”
7. You have the opportunity to influence the entrepreneurs of the future. What life changing invention would you like to see on the drawing board?
Secret documents have revealed that the Agent would truly love for an invention that can create carb-less cake and cookies but still taste as sinful as normal cake and cookies. An invention that can make food 0% fat and carbs and still taste full flavoured, yes, please!
“I would have to say a medical invention, or any medical invention, which can alleviate human suffering and pain.”
8. I have waved a magic wand and all of your responsibilities have been taken care of for 24 hours. What are you going to do?
Morning Coffee Bugging: The Agent’s best girlfriend reveals that the Agent would immediately watch all seasons of the Game of Thrones (please don’t hate her) or Gossip Girl, or read a book in her hammock and just dream…
“All of the above…nothing to add. A movie, a book, or a story. Where else can you be someone else, having an adventure for 24 hours?”
9. How can parents best be empowered to properly balance a career and a family life?
Secret documents which the authorities have tried to suppress, have revealed that there is no such thing as a proper balance. Life is organic and things change all the time. The only proper balance is a fluid one, one that you can change with flexibility and ease, and without guilt.
“Things are in constant flux and like the reception of your grandmother’s television, you just have to constantly change the antenna for the perfect picture. Do not be afraid to know that it’s not working and when it’s time for a change.”
10. You’re off for a night out tonight. Where will you go, what will you drink and what will be the topic of conversation?
Court documents have unveiled that the Agent has never been out for the night since the early 21st century, so why even bothering asking her? She has no recollection of what a night out would even feel like.
“I would watch a theatre performance, a rock concert, or an art gallery opening. I will drink a Margarita and I will talk about how wonderful life is and how amazingly talented some human beings are in just making me feel human again. That’s what living is, isn’t it?”