Staffies. The dangerous, ugly menaces that are walking our streets, savaging our children and biting our postmen. To alert people to the threat they pose, here is a diary of a day in the life of a dangerous dog.
3:00 am: Threat to house and home
The predator is awake. She glares at the bedroom door and gets ready to attack.
- BANG, BANG, BANG.
“Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, wakeup, mum, mum. You’re not going to believe what’s happened, you’ve got to help me. Yes I know it’s 3 am, yes I know you’re tired. But look, my blanket has fallen off and I need you to tuck me in. Thanks mum.”
8:00 am: Threat to parents
The predator has been disturbed. She is not happy. She will guard her property with her life.
“Awwww no, don’t make me get up, I’m tired. No, I’m not getting out of bed, I’m not moving. I’m just going to stay….
WHAAAATTTT??? A walk? Oh yes I do want a walk, oh yes, oh yes, I want to walk, take me for a walk, let me go for a walk, meeeeeee
Tail, tail. Catch that tail. Get it, catch it.
Ouch, I caught it.
Don’t forget my coat, it’s a bit chilly out today. Okay I’m all set, let’s go!”
8:10 am: Threat to cats
The predator has seen a cat. The predator will catch the cat.
“A cat, cat, cat, cat I’ve seen a cat, cat, cat let me at it, let me get it, the cat, the cat. I’m coming for you cat.
Hey, wait, oi, wait for me, wait cat, cat I’m coming!
Oh no, it’s gone. Why don’t you want to play with me cat? I love you. I only want to play. And maybe just lick you, just a little slurp. Oh cat, please come back.”
12:00 pm: Threat to small children
The predator has spotted that her toddler is eating a sandwich. The predator must eat the sandwich.
“Please, please, ohhh please just gimme the sandwich. You don’t even want it. Okay, I’ll just wait here, you’ll drop it.
Yes! It’s mine, the sandwich is mine, you’ve given me the…
Oh, you didn’t want me to have the sandwich? Oh no, not the crying. Oh no, please no.
Oh nooooo you’re crying and the three year old is telling me off.
Okay, okay whatever you say, I’m going back to my bed. But just for the record, I thought you were handing me that sandwich.
3:00 pm: Threat to cleanliness
“I’ve had a poo on the decking. I know you like it to be picked up so I’ve done it.
No, don’t shout, I was just cleaning up. With my mouth. It was quite tasty actually.
Oh, do you want to give me a kiss?
What? Ohhh I’m sorry, have I got a bit stuck between my teeth?”
7:00 pm: Threat to the public
“I’m out for a ruuuuunnnnnn! Yehah! Woop woop! Yippppeeeeee!!!!
Oh, sorry am I pulling on the…
A person, a person! I can see him, oh I do love people and I’m sure he’s one of my favourites! I’m off to see him. Come on, keep up!
Ohhh the person doesn’t like me. Oh no, he doesn’t want to play.
Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you.
Hey, hey, you! Another person, let’s go and see! He’s going to just love me! Oh a ball, a ball he’s got a ball, oh it’s too much, I’m in love.
I. Must. Bounce.
Bouncy bouncy bouncy…
Hey, come back!”
9:00 pm: Threat to social life
“Is it bedtime yet?
It must be bedtime. Tuck me in. Oh please tuck me in.
Excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me, there’s a problem.
Please note, Bubbles is a Wagglepets Ambassador. If you would like to receive 50% off your first Wagglepets box, use code NATALIE50 at the checkout. This post was entirely the work of team Plutonium Sox. Wagglepets in no way endorse eating your own poo.