In these days of population boom and inadequate housing provisions, the government have been forced to take drastic action to prevent excessive reproduction. The phenomenon known as the “terrible twos” is in fact the result of a cross-party agreement to curb our desire to preserve our bloodline. All toddlers, on reaching the age of 20 months old are being issued with the following detailed instructions.
1. Sleep deprivation
If you have been sleeping through the night, shame on you. From now on, you must wake up four times a night as a minimum. Don’t nap. Feel free to sleep at the dinner table during mealtimes.
Learn to speak perfectly. Say only one word wrong. You must change one letter only and make that word into an expletive. Suggestions: duck, yanky, fox, sit.
3. Toilet training
Choose the most inconvenient time possible and refuse to wear nappies ever again. Master toilet training perfectly. Choose a special event, hatches matches and dispatches are suggested. Otherwise a posh restaurant or soft play will do fine. Wee.
Teach your dog to bark whenever you use the word “why”. Use said word until you lose your voice. Eat the cat.
5. Food and drink
Don’t consume anything that isn’t pink. Except for the cat. Fruit doesn’t count.
When asked to shop, walk, sit in a buggy or eat something that isn’t pink, you must enter tantrum mode. Lie on the floor, kick, scratch and bite. Do not move until pink is provided.
Take one of every pair of shoes in the house. Hide them. They must not be found until you are 27 years old.
8. Going missing
Exit a house, car or shop talking incessantly. Walk around a corner out of sight. Stop talking. Hide. Do not be found until at least eight police officers, a helicopter and a sniffer dog have arrived.
9. In the car
When out in the car with one parent, they can’t see you so this is your chance to induce paranoia by questioning. Example questions include: Why didn’t you do my seatbelt up? Why is the cat in the car? Why has the dog opened the car door? Where is the baby?
10. Call in the reinforcements
If a baby arrives in the family, you have failed in your mission. Now you MUST recruit them. Divide waking into shifts, do NOT allow parents to sleep again until you are both teenagers.