The toddler conspiracy

In these days of population boom and inadequate housing provisions, the government have been forced to take drastic action to prevent excessive reproduction. The phenomenon known as the “terrible twos” is in fact the result of a cross-party agreement to curb our desire to preserve our bloodline. All toddlers, on reaching the age of 20 months old are being issued with the following detailed instructions. 

1. Sleep deprivation

If you have been sleeping through the night, shame on you. From now on, you must wake up four times a night as a minimum. Don’t nap. Feel free to sleep at the dinner table during mealtimes. 

2. Speech

Learn to speak perfectly. Say only one word wrong. You must change one letter only and make that word into an expletive. Suggestions: duck, yanky, fox, sit. 

3. Toilet training

Choose the most inconvenient time possible and refuse to wear nappies ever again. Master toilet training perfectly. Choose a special event, hatches matches and dispatches are suggested. Otherwise a posh restaurant or soft play will do fine. Wee. 

4. Pets

Teach your dog to bark whenever you use the word “why”. Use said word until you lose your voice. Eat the cat. 

5. Food and drink

Don’t consume anything that isn’t pink. Except for the cat. Fruit doesn’t count. 

6. Tantrums

When asked to shop, walk, sit in a buggy or eat something that isn’t pink, you must enter tantrum mode. Lie on the floor, kick, scratch and bite. Do not move until pink is provided. 

7. Confusion

Take one of every pair of shoes in the house. Hide them. They must not be found until you are 27 years old. 

8. Going missing

Exit a house, car or shop talking incessantly. Walk around a corner out of sight. Stop talking. Hide. Do not be found until at least eight police officers, a helicopter and a sniffer dog have arrived. 

9. In the car

When out in the car with one parent, they can’t see you so this is your chance to induce paranoia by questioning. Example questions include: Why didn’t you do my seatbelt up? Why is the cat in the car? Why has the dog opened the car door? Where is the baby? 

10. Call in the reinforcements

If a baby arrives in the family, you have failed in your mission. Now you MUST recruit them. Divide waking into shifts, do NOT allow parents to sleep again until you are both teenagers. 




  1. December 16, 2014 / 12:34 pm

    Haha brilliant. I’m lucky enough to coming to the end of this conspiracy. Although I am now entering the stage where I am sure the boys have weekly secret meetings to decide when and where they’re going to play up. All based obviously on how Dad is and once either Dad or the boys say a key word that it’s the time to kick off!

    • monsterid December 16, 2014 / 3:08 pm

      Aargh I’ve got that to come then lol 😉

  2. December 20, 2014 / 10:50 pm

    I was lucky enough to skip this with my son, I was extremely delusional to think I’d be lucky enough to do so again, my little madam seems to be making up for it ten-fold and it’s only increasing as the months are progressing …it’ll stop soon, won’t it?!!

    • monsterid December 20, 2014 / 10:59 pm

      Aw I hope it will stop soon, my second seems to be much worse than my first and she is only seven months old. It seems like such a long time since I’ve slept!!x

  3. January 4, 2015 / 8:23 pm

    Oh dear, I have all this to come… will pray government revise their instructions to eat, sleep & be merry!! 🙂

    • monsterid January 4, 2015 / 8:34 pm

      Haha good luck with that, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!xx

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