7 signs your cat is plotting your demise

We all know cats are more intelligent than the average man. We innocently invite these beautiful creatures into our homes (cats, not men) without realising that each and every one of them is planning to take over the world, one unsuspecting family at a time. Here are a few signs to look out for. 

1. Your cat is watching you

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night, feeling like someone is watching you?  And then realised – they are. You think you’re safe when you leave the house but wait, what’s that moving in the grass? It couldn’t be… 

2. Your cat can make your demise look like an accidents

How many times has your cat “accidentally” tripped you up on the stairs? And have you noticed how their favourite place “happens” to be the one part of the house that is exactly the same colour as their fur? Coincidence?? 

3. Start small…

Cats are clever enough to know that they can’t go straight for the jugular, they need to take out the smaller blood vessels first. So they start by stealing the children’s toys. Just little things of course, but they will gradually increase in size and importance. And when they start to chase the children… 

4. The family album tells a tale of a cat plotting your demise

They do not want to leave any evidence that your family have lived in a house, you will be deleted without a trace. Ever tried taking a photograph without a cat in it? Me too. 

5. Cats play mind games

Cats are the first to admit that their size is a disadvantage to physically dispatching a fully grown adult, so they often resort to mind games. That corner of the room that they stare into, giving you a spooky feeling that someone is there? There’s nobody there. But you’re doubting yourself aren’t you? 

6. Cats are taking over the world

Ever noticed that strange cats are attracted to you? Have you ever uttered the words, “Oh, I’m a cat person.” That’s what they want you to think. They’re watching you. See point one. 

7. The cute conspiracy

This is the ultimate threat to the human race, they are destroying our desire to breed. Think back to the last time somebody brought their baby into work and everybody pretended to coo over it, lied that it was beautiful and made excuses not to touch it. Now imagine if it had been a kitten.

Given a direct choice between a human baby and a kitten, which would you rather cuddle?

I rest my case.