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7 signs your cat is plotting your demise

We all know cats are more intelligent than the average man. We innocently invite these beautiful creatures into our homes (cats, not men) without realising that each and every one of them is planning to take over the world, one unsuspecting family at a time. Here are a few signs to look out for. 

1. Your cat is watching you

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night, feeling like someone is watching you?  And then realised – they are. You think you’re safe when you leave the house but wait, what’s that moving in the grass? It couldn’t be… 

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2. Your cat can make your demise look like an accidents

How many times has your cat “accidentally” tripped you up on the stairs? And have you noticed how their favourite place “happens” to be the one part of the house that is exactly the same colour as their fur? Coincidence?? 

3. Start small…

Cats are clever enough to know that they can’t go straight for the jugular, they need to take out the smaller blood vessels first. So they start by stealing the children’s toys. Just little things of course, but they will gradually increase in size and importance. And when they start to chase the children… 

4. The family album tells a tale of a cat plotting your demise

They do not want to leave any evidence that your family have lived in a house, you will be deleted without a trace. Ever tried taking a photograph without a cat in it? Me too. 

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5. Cats play mind games

Cats are the first to admit that their size is a disadvantage to physically dispatching a fully grown adult, so they often resort to mind games. That corner of the room that they stare into, giving you a spooky feeling that someone is there? There’s nobody there. But you’re doubting yourself aren’t you? 

6. Cats are taking over the world

Ever noticed that strange cats are attracted to you? Have you ever uttered the words, “Oh, I’m a cat person.” That’s what they want you to think. They’re watching you. See point one. 

7. The cute conspiracy

This is the ultimate threat to the human race, they are destroying our desire to breed. Think back to the last time somebody brought their baby into work and everybody pretended to coo over it, lied that it was beautiful and made excuses not to touch it. Now imagine if it had been a kitten.

Given a direct choice between a human baby and a kitten, which would you rather cuddle?

I rest my case. 

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18 Comments

  1. March 17, 2015 / 10:11 pm

    Ha ha ha! Absolutely love it (I am bring forced to type this as my cat is watching over me….help!)
    Is that your cat in the picture? What breed is he/she? That cat totally looks like they are the boss.
    We have a ragdoll (evil genius and total cow bag, but with the looks of a high class lady) and used to have a snow spotted Bengal (genuinely intelligent bit his IQ brought down by his fear of a roll of Sellotape), and they are all are manipulative as this. Never underestimate a cat or a toddler!

    • March 17, 2015 / 10:15 pm

      Aw thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it. She is some funny pedigree, but we had her as a rescue cat from the cats protection league. She particularly has it in for my husband, he needs to watch his back πŸ˜‰

  2. March 17, 2015 / 11:10 pm

    Nothing surprises me where cats are concerned. And yet… I am a cat person. Oh dear, it has begun, hasn’t it?

    Great post! Highly amusing!

    • March 17, 2015 / 11:13 pm

      Aw thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it… and yet, oh no, you are at risk πŸ˜‰

  3. Diane
    March 18, 2015 / 7:44 am

    So funny…. I had a cat as a kid but have a dog now. They really do seem to be plotting sometimes. The neighborhood cats seem to like my yard and I swear their life’s mission is to bother us. They love to make noise at 3am (a game I call “Cat or crying baby??”) and provide entertainment for my dog. They also poop in my yard which is a pain!! #animaltales

    • March 18, 2015 / 7:50 am

      Thank you Diane. I love that the cats still have it in for you even though you haven’t got one! See, evil genius πŸ˜‰

  4. March 18, 2015 / 11:21 am

    Your cat sounds a real character, i must admit I love their personalities and the fact they are quite independent suits me. Great photo by the way! #Animaltales

    • March 18, 2015 / 11:51 am

      Thank you, yes she is a real character and I agree, there’s something quite endearing about someone so small plotting the downfall of the entire human race πŸ˜‰

  5. March 18, 2015 / 1:59 pm

    Your cat has the best face I have ever seen! Gorgeous. Agree though, cats will take over the world one day πŸ™‚ #Animaltales

    • March 18, 2015 / 2:08 pm

      Thank you Tara, definitely a face only a mother could love πŸ˜‰

  6. Izzie Anderton
    March 18, 2015 / 3:49 pm

    So funny, but true. I share the house with a cat who is the other woman in our marriage. I’m pretty certain that my husband prefers her company to mine and she’s always up to something. We recently discovered that she likes Marmite and I can’t open the cupboard without being miaowed at constantly. Yep, these cats are definitely up to something and ours even has her own Twitter account!

    • March 18, 2015 / 3:57 pm

      Oh my word, so unusual for a man to admit to liking a cat, they usually pretend to hate them! And you have to respect anyone who loves marmite, feline or otherwise πŸ˜‰

  7. March 19, 2015 / 12:03 pm

    Oh dear, 4 cats here. I am doomed … doomed I tell you!
    Thank you for this dire warning on #AnimalTales πŸ™‚

    • March 19, 2015 / 2:54 pm

      Oh my goodness, four? There is no hope… πŸ˜‰ Thank you for letting me link up to your lovely linky, I’ve really enjoyed reading the posts there.x

  8. March 19, 2015 / 3:07 pm

    This is brilliant and totally my cats! πŸ™‚ I am pretty sure that unless they realise that killing me off would mean no more food, they are plotting against me most of the time. Popped over from Animal Tales!

    • March 19, 2015 / 3:16 pm

      Thank you Karen, I know the lack of food is the only drawback of finishing us off isn’t it??

  9. Cheryl
    March 19, 2015 / 4:13 pm

    Loved this as I am definitely a cat person who thought I understood my cat well. Maybe I don’t get him as much as I thought. Here’s me thinking he was such an affectionate little thing, and all the time hes plotting to get me. No seriously though, I love how intelligent cats are. Each time I was pregnant he knew. The dog never had a clue. No wonder its dogs that are mans best friends.

    • March 19, 2015 / 4:19 pm

      Haha Cheryl that really made me laugh! Cats are definitely more intelligent than dogs aren’t they, as you say no wonder dogs and men get along better πŸ˜‰

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